We´ve all fallen in love at one point in time, but rarely been in love. We´ve all had the mental and emotional capability of sharing our passionate love with someone else, but rarely does it last. When it comes to relationships, things just don’t add up the way we expect them to because there will always be a coexisting love/hate relationship when it comes to attaching yourself to someone else; with the possibilities of ending up with a broken heart, yet loving that emotional and physical friction you’re attaining, ending up thinking that it’s worth it. It can feel like the most amazing, most intoxicating, most horrible and excruciating feeling in the world. But even though you spend your mornings thinking about what he did last night, your afternoons worrying about why she did what she did and your evenings crying yourself to sleep because you´ve go the illusion that you love them more than they love you, you still can’t seem to let go.
So if the relationship you’re currently in doesn’t make you happy nor satisfies your emotional and physical needs, why is it so damn hard to let go, and move on, with the hope of finding another man or woman, who are, in fact, worthy of your love? Is it that you just love them too much? Do you feel like you’ve spent too much time with them to the point where you can forgive the unforgivable or is that you’re obsessed? Obsessed? Yes, obsessed with the idea that you can’t leave him or her, not because you don’t know how, but simply because you can’t. Now there is a lot of depth into that statement so let me break it down to you.
A lot of us confuse the feeling of being in love with the feeling of being obsessed, because well, they are so emotionally similar. Both carry the characteristics of being attached to something. Both carry the routinely habit of being with someone, thinking about someone, wanting someone – no matter what. Here is where the obsessive characteristics differ; It equips you with this emotional certainty that you can’t, in fact, live without an individual. It carries that obsessive desire to “possess” due to the unbelievably strong attraction you´re feeling, it empowers the emotional liability that you are unable to see nor accept failure or rejection, even though it’s starring you right in the face.
The “problem” doesn’t really lie within our hearts, but is deeply rooted in our heads, with the constant rationalization that “It has to be love if I can’t think of anyone else”, well I hate to break it down to you, but that’s not really how it works. You see, “love based” relationships are established on a foundation of lust, wanting an individual driven by the fading impulse of desiring an intimate relationship. Now whether that fading lust can turn into love by getting to know the individual’s personal characteristics and individualities is another story, the main motivation is; what foundational layer of attraction did you arrange in order for you to be in your current state of mind? Are you in Love or are you Obsessed?
While I believe that love-based relationships are structured on the “ground-work” of lust, I also believe that obsessive relationships are based on the preoccupied fixated mentality of possession, almost like a materialistic possessive drug that, in fact, is present in the majority of our generation in some way or form. It’s based on the mental fear of dis-attachment from someone due to your fanatic self-protective mechanism that tells you that “you can’t leave the individual you’re currently with”, because if you do, you´ll break down. I know this all might sound a little too pushed since, well, I’m not a shrink, but there is no better educator than experience in itself. You see, as love is founded on lust while obsession originates from the desire of possession, they still have a lot of in common. Both have the misleading power to emotionally drag you into intimate situations. Both have the misleading power to psychologically enhance an emotion to stratospheric horizons. But in contrast to lust, which usually fades away with time, obsession gets worse with time, as more time and effort is invested into an unhealthy obsessive relationship.
Now the trick is to be able to realize whether you’re in love or obsessed, the key is to confront your action and habits in order to assess your current state of mind – which really is easier said than done, but lets get to it. If all of your time and efforts are going into satisfying someone else’s needs and desires or in chasing another individual then you’re at your own risk of becoming obsessed. If one partner is always to please the other or if there are no considerations or compromises then it’s most probably based on obsessive feelings rather than love. You see, actual love, real love is nurturing, real love helps individuals grow and flourish into a “better” version of themselves. In contrast, obsession is weakening and affects the psyche of the partner, leading him or her into dark and blind paths, making him or her extend their actions to desperate measures.
With that being said, what triggers this obsessive mentality, what sparks this crazy condition? Is it a “disorder” that wears off amongst people or is it something we inherit? Honestly, I’m not completely sure, since it is such a complex mentality that is constructed in a bunch of different ways based on each partner’s personal experience. But what I know for sure is that, we all take the same track to that obsessive state of mind, we all follow the same foundational road to obsession, it’s only when you cross that point of no return when each individualistic obsession flourishes out its own path. Objectively speaking, putting all obsessions on the same level of “craziness”, the mother of all relationship-based obsession comes from the desire of wanting what you cannot have. That’s what makes you cheat on your (ex) girlfriend, that’s what makes you feel that “I don’t know why I’m so into him/her” feeling and that is what makes you so obsessed over having something you simply do not have, be it physical intimacy or be it emotional affection.
Now obviously not all relationships out there have that obsessive characteristic, there are a bunch of healthy relationships where both partners are equally engaged in their various roles, which is the key to a non-obsessive relationship; Balance. You see; balance is what keeps the equilibrium of the relationship steady. Balance is what evens out the emotional and physical circulation between the two partners, giving them a stable “give and take” relationship, which eliminates that obsessive state of mind.
So if you feel like you have lost yourself, like you’re a weakened version of your true self, leave. If you’re always attempting to please your partner without them doing the same to you, break it up. If all of your life-decisions are based on the feelings and needs of your partner, separate yourself from them, because if that is the case, you truly are obsessed.
Read more articles in Gulf Elite Issue 8
Picture Credit: We Heart It