As I was putting a closure to a project that I held on to and believed in for the past 6 years and by the grace of God had a successful mega book launch for ‘Women In Green And Beyond’ earlier this month, I couldn’t resist but think about all those times that made me vulnerable. It made me revisit the piece below that I wrote few years ago but never published – maybe I was too afraid to do so at that time – and maybe I did find a way to secretly embrace it….
It’s been so long since I last wrote that today I am afraid I will not be able to express my thoughts or simply not be able to write! So I have decided that I will let my heart sway my thoughts and my thoughts guide my words today.
Maybe I want to write about my fears. Isn’t it something, I started this piece with ‘…afraid that I will not be able to….’. These words have been bothering me, rather chasing me for some time now and have created my biggest fears. Whereas they make me vulnerable at times and introduce me to a person I have not known before, yet they have been my greatest motivation to push my limits.
What bothers me even more is trying to understand where these fears are rooted; when and how did they creep in my life and more importantly who gave them the power to haunt me to date. That leads me to question if these fears are self-created?
I counter these fears by my ‘I can’ attitude but I still sometimes wonder if I might be a different person had these fears not found a way to seep into my roots. These have been and still are some of the greatest challenges in my personal battles. I wonder if they have stopped me from achieving greatness or are they paving ways for me to achieve something extraordinary, making me strong every step of the way, reminding me that I still have a long way to go.
I am not even sure if the mere existence of these fears in my life is the single most undiscovered blessing that I might never be thankful for otherwise. They are mysterious in their own way and I share a love-hate relationship with them.
So are these fears my worst enemy or my best friend, I don’t know. What I do know is that I will continue my journey with conviction. I know that God is closer to me than I am to myself, and that He is aware of all my aspirations. I would therefore like to believe that these fears have something to do with His divine hand, His guidance in my life that makes me come out of my comfort zone and move forward to get closer to my dreams, maybe beyond.
So lately I have started embracing these fears in the hope that one day they would reveal their mystery upon me, laughing with me at the times when I had been afraid of them, and assuring me that they too had a purpose, and that I would only be able to appreciate it in hindsight.