Well, sh*t, looks like you found someone new.
The first thought that came to mind when you walked in with her to the same restaurant was why did you get to find someone first?
Didn’t you break my heart into a million pieces, and weren’t you later supposed to realize what a huge mistake you made? I guess the world doesn’t work that way.
I wish I could say I acted gracefully, but instead, I dropped pizza on my shirt and it was written all over my face.
I sat for a second, trying to process the fact that she looked like me, and that I used to be where she currently is… but I’m not.
That’s when my world momentarily shattered and spun around like a hurricane to remind me of all the broken pieces again.
When the dinner ended, I promised myself that I would not search for you. I would not fall apart just yet. Instead, I waited until I was in the elevator.
There, I fell apart and ran for shelter. I collapsed on the floor of the apartment you helped me find and let the summer rain flood my face.
I let myself feel the pain and the anger. I let myself break down one last time.
And then I stopped. I climbed up from the floor and told myself that that was all you were going to get. One last cry, one last night and one last memory.
You had already taken so, so much from me. This was it. I needed this nail in the coffin (and marinara stain on my shirt) to prove that you were not the one for me.
You were not it for me because:
– My world did not end when I saw you with her.
– I would not go back in time and change a thing.
– You looked like a stranger with an empty gaze.
– Someone will love me harder than you ever did.
– The right one would never let me go.
– You had the ability to walk away.
– There was a silent doubt that grew heavy in our hearts.
– I’m still looking forward to who will take your place.
– I was genuinely happy right before I saw you.
– I’ve survived, and thrived without you.
– I’ve felt real butterflies since you’ve left.
– You just weren’t “it,” and it doesn’t even matter why, does it?
My face may be a mess of mascara and my heart might be a pile of forgotten memories, but I’m still here. I’m here. I’m alive. I will be fine.
I will be fine because if you are with her, you were not meant to be with me. You were not my dream come true and I was not yours.
You were what will get me to mine… in time. Hopefully not too much time, but I will have my moment, too.
Tomorrow I will wake up finally free of you, finally ready to admit that you are not going to ever text me, “I miss you,” at 3 am again.
I am finally ready to face the fact that that most important walk I take will not be to you at the end of an aisle.
I am finally ready to fall madly and deeply in love with someone new.
I now know that you were not my endgame. You were just the detour my heart had to take, and there are probably still more in my way.
Tomorrow I will get my shirt dry-cleaned to rid myself of the last stain you’ll ever leave on my life.
Tomorrow I will start again. Tomorrow I will be grateful that I had to see it in person to really let it sink in.
I can finally get excited about meeting the man of my dreams instead of mourning my past. I know I will wake up knowing that seeing you with her was the best thing to ever happen to me — maybe not tomorrow, but eventually.
This is what was really was meant to be: the love I had for you and the heartbreak I felt after you.
What comes after this couldn’t exist without the journey I took with you. It will all be worth it some day.
And now, the pain you leave in your wake is my greatest inspiration to move forward. And I am moving. Stride by stride, I will find my way into someone else’s heart.
And damn, it will be amazing. So amazing that I’ll be truly thankful for this night. So, it looks like you found someone new. Well, I am so excited because I know that I will, too.
Picture Credit: Kitty Gallannaugh